Difficult Stakeholders Aren't Resisting Learning, They're Protecting the Business

Reframe resistance into what matters most and watch your stakeholder relationships (and influence) soar.

Linda was the most difficult stakeholder I ever worked with, at least from my perspective. I was a couple of years into the process of shifting the work of my team from transactional order takers to strategic partners. Other stakeholders were on board, and we were making progress, but Linda was the nut I just couldn't crack.

Working with her felt a bit like being on trial. Her expectations were sky high. She wouldn't waiver from her ideas on how and when we should create training. When the training didn't produce the results she desired, she wasn't afraid to let us, and others know the blame should live with L&D (never mind that training wouldn't have solved the problem in the first place). It usually felt like a personal attack. When I scheduled meetings with her to talk through issues, she usually cancelled last minute or didn't show up at all. It seemed there was no getting through to show her how we could work more collaboratively. Yet, she was one of my key stakeholders. I didn't have a choice as to whether we provided training for her team and there wasn't anyone else who would have been an appropriate contact.

But this story has a happy ending. Eventually, Linda converted from one of my most difficult stakeholders, to one of my strongest partners. I needed to learn a few lessons to approach our relationship from a completely different angle. I needed to start by better understanding Linda, not wait for her to understand me.

LESSON #1: It's Not About L&D

When my teenage daughter used to agonize over a simple fashion choice like whether to wear blue or white sneakers, I would tell her, "Everyone else is more concerned about themselves than you." Turns out this advice comes in handy for L&D as well. When it comes to working with stakeholders, they are much more concerned about their own work than ours. Every stakeholder I have worked with has an overflowing plate, full of pressures to lead a high performing team, keep customers happy, meet revenue goals, decrease expenses, etc.

When it came to my work with Linda, I needed to set my L&D ego aside and start learning about her business. I needed to understand what it was like to sit in her seat. I started doing my homework by combing through her team's intranet pages. Then, I asked her to cc me when she sent out quarterly reports. She looked at me a bit funny but complied. With the reports in hand, I started asking questions to understand her metrics. Our conversation shifted from training details to performance challenges, and I cracked the partnership door a bit more.

I also let go of all my L&D "language" and started copying hers. Instead of talking about learning outcomes, I used the words results and performance measures. Instead of explaining asynchronous vs. synchronous courses, I just called it training. Instead of asking her team members to help with "on the job application and training" which sounded like more work to her, I called it structuring her existing shadowing program. As I used her words instead of expecting her to conform to mine, it started to feel like we were working from the same playbook.

LESSON #2: There's Always More to the Story

Stakeholders don't come to L&D because they want a fantastic training, despite how convincing they may be in the ask. They come because they have a pain point that they cannot solve themselves. Training can seem like an easy way to boost their capacity, and it may have worked in the past. But, given the choice between a beautifully crafted training product and a solution to their pain point, stakeholders will choose the latter.

The request isn't as much about the training as it is a call for help solving a problem. If we don't find out what that problem is our odds of solving it significantly decrease. We might as well be throwing a dart whilst wearing a blindfold.

I didn't initially realize this is what was happening with Linda. When the training she requested didn't solve her problem, it was easy for her to assign blame, telling us (and others) that we had failed to deliver. In reality, we had failed, but our failure occurred long before the delivery of our fantastic training product. We failed to adequately learn the real story behind the request, the pain point that needed solving.

Linda wasn't anti-learning. She wasn't anti-L&D. She didn't really think our work was trash. She was just laser focused on reducing the biggest pain points in her business. We needed to show up as up as partners in problem solving, instead of helpers who were eager to please. We needed to think critically and creatively, ask different questions, and sometimes propose alternative solutions that didn't include training. We needed to discover the story behind the ask using analysis and corresponding data as evidence. Once we did that the door to partnership started to crack open a bit more.

LESSON #3: Provide What's Missing a.k.a. Go First

Perhaps the biggest turning point for me came during a particularly stressful conversation with Linda. Our training was the perceived reason for two new hires' failure to learn their jobs. The result was a scheduled conversation with Linda, her boss (SVP) and my boss (SVP) all in a room together. Of course, I was feeling defensive, and my walls were up. I spent hours preparing my case as to why training wasn't to blame. But then, the morning of the conversation, I serendipitously stumbled upon this quote by Cy Wakeman in her book, Reality Based Leadership. It was advice given to Cy by one of her own mentors.

"Whatever is missing from a situation is that which you are not giving. You go first." -Cy Wakeman

I stopped in my tracks. What was missing? If I was Linda in this situation, what would I need that I wasn't getting? The answer was immediately clear. I would need someone to listen, not fight. It was at that moment that I decided to go first.

I set aside my detailed notes and resigned myself to start the conversation simply by listening, not defending. The results were magical. With my defenses down, Linda's defenses also started to disable. As she realized I was genuinely listening instead of fighting, her attitude softened. When it was my turn to respond, Linda's approach mimicked my own. To my surprise she started to listen just as I had! The conversation turned from one of opinion justification to one of problem solving. We began to productively address the real issues, and our relationship instantly strengthened.

LESSON #4: Reframe Resistance into What Matters Most

You may be able to tell through these stories that I was often frustrated with Linda, but I also remained hopeful that we could turn things around. One of the final turning points in our relationship happened when I figured out how to reframe her resistance.

There's a quote originally attributed to Walt Whitman that sums it up (although I personally prefer the way that Ted Lasso shares it while playing darts in this scene.)

"Be curious, not judgmental" -Walt Whitman (via Ted Lasso)

As I worked to leave my judgement behind, I leaned into curiosity for Linda's business, pain points, and goals. I also got curious about her. I figured she must have been promoted to her leadership role for a reason, and I was determined to understand more. What was her genius? What did she care about most?

My opportunity came when we were placed on the same team to address a critical last minute, high impact problem. If not solved quickly, this issue would impact hundreds of customers and the company's bottom line. Amid our race to a solution, I saw Linda's true motivation emerge. Not only was she organized and detail-oriented, but she was relentless and articulate about advocating for both her team and the customer.

Ultimately, what mattered most to Linda was a high-quality experience for customers and that her team was equipped to successfully deliver that experience. For these reasons, every detail mattered.

Armed with this insight into what mattered most, I understood Linda's frustration with training that didn't solve the problem. Now I could approach future conversations with the goal of a top-notch customer experience as a starting point. This reframe made the final difference in our relationship. What I had perceived as Linda resisting our L&D work was really an effort to protect her team and the customer.

Time to Get on the Same Page

Once I figured out that Linda wasn't trying to be difficult, but that she was protecting what mattered most, my approach changed. I showed up as an understanding partner, instead of a frustrated order taker. Our conversations were more productive; she stopped cancelling our meetings and became one of my strongest and most collaborative partners in the entire organization.

Might you be able to apply some of these same lessons with your difficult stakeholder? Try setting your ego aside to learn about and put business first, diving in to find out the story behind the ask, go first to provide what's missing in your interactions, and exercise the curiosity needed to find out what matters most.